My struggle with Postpartum depression.

              So as many of you close to me know that for the last 5 months I have been struggling with Postpartum depression. This has been one of the biggest struggles of my whole life. I have never had depression before and had no idea what was happening to me for a long time. I am choosing to share this publicly because I am not ashamed and would like to help others going through similar situations or who will eventually go through similar situations. This kind of depression is caused from having a baby and messes with your hormones and chemical imbalance.
             
               It all started one in a half months after my second baby Kensington was born. I felt like I was going crazy! I was getting scary thoughts, felt hopeless, and sad. I luckily spoke up to my husband about it and got help from a doctor right away. I felt like this would never end and that I would never be myself again. I later learned this is one of the major ways of thinking of those who have Postpartum.

             Let me first begin by explaining the 3 different types of Postpartum:

Depression: all or more of the symptoms listed below, lasts longer than a couple of weeks! The baby blues are common but should go away after a couple of weeks.
OCD: Having constant thoughts of harming your baby. These thoughts are invasive and uncontrollable.
Physcosis: Having thoughts of harming your baby and feeling the need to act upon them.(Luckily I didn't have this one)

Symptoms of PPD can occur anytime in the first year postpartum.^[6] These include, but are not limited to, the following:

• Sadness^[6]
• Hopelessness^[6]
• Low self-esteem^[6]
• Feeling less loved by partner
• Guilt^[6]
• A feeling of being overwhelmed
• Sleep and eating disturbances^[6]
• Inability to be comforted^[6]
• Exhaustion^[6]
• Emptiness^[6]
• Anhedonia^[6]
• Social withdrawal^[6]
• Low or no energy^[6]
• Becoming easily frustrated^[6]
• Feeling inadequate in taking care of the baby^[6]
• Impaired speech and writing
• Spells of anger towards others
• Increased anxiety or panic attacks
• Decreased sex drive – see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postpartum_depression

              So many woman go through postpartum depression and many don't come out about it because they are ashamed. It is not a character flaw but a hormonal imbalance that effects your mood and also chemicals in your brain. If you are experiencing these any or all of the above symptoms you should contact your OBGYN right away. In my case it has taken months to get rid of and I am finally getting back to feeling like myself again.

  

             For those of you who feel helpless, alone, and scared I know how you feel. Don't give up! Stay close to your family and those things you know to be true. I wouldn't have been able to get through this without my Heavenly Father, family, and friends. It is a process and you feel completely empty somedays, stay positive! Dont push out those you love. Excercise and good nutrition are key in getting better, as well as plenty of sleep. You will get better!!!!!! Even if this helps just one person it will be worth it.

              I am so grateful to be a member of my church! I am apart of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter day saints, otherwise known and "Mormon." This is one of the main reasons I made it through this! If anyone wants to learn more about if please reach out to me!!

            My sister sent me this and it helped me a bunch!

A little update on life:)

             Sooo I haven't posted in 4 months! I know I am a slacker but I do have some good excuses. In the past four months my husband graduated from BYUI, got into grad school, and we moved to Idaho Falls so Kelin could start the accounting program at ISU. Not to mention juggling two kids while doing all of that! We are finally settled into our new apartment and Kelin will be starting grad school on the 20th! He is really looking forward to that!
           We are enjoying our new family ward because their are lots of kids Kennedy's age so she is happy too:)! Their are lots of young moms with kids my kids ages which is nice. We even meet once a week for play group. We also joined a co-op that meets every other week and one couple babysits the other couples kids so they can go on dates. So basically you babysit once and and then get to go on 4 dates! We are going to love that! It is quite different to be out of the bubble I must say! You would think IF wouldn't be much different but let me just tell you it is! All of our neighbors smoke and I hear swear words almost everytime I step out of the house. Not to say our neighbors are bad people, most are actually really nice! I am just saying it is much different from living in the Burg. And I do miss my cute friends from Rexy. It is finally getting to be warm outside and I have been putting that double jogging stroller to good use! I am going to start actually "jogging" with it soon!
              So other than that nothing much is new! Our girls are growing faster than ever and are so stinking cute I cant take it. I worry constantly about being a good enough mom for them! Being a mommy is tough stuff! But I know Heavenly Father will continue to direct me as long as I stay close to him! Here are are some recent pics..

          So I dont get to post as often as I would like because I am so busy with my girls but when I get a little free time I jump at the chance. Christmas was fantastic and both of the girls were spoiled! We ended up staying in Rexy and having our own Christmas as a new family of 4. It would have been fun to have been with extended family but we didn't want to travel with 2 babies. I love giving and recieving gifts at Christmas but my favorite thing is reflecting on Christ and the purpose for celebrating Christmas in the first place. More than anything I was just so grateful to have my little family in a warm home healthy and safe. It was a wonderful day! We are loving the time we are getting with kelin before he starts his last semester of school in 2 weeks. He is going to be one busy boy and I certainly am going to all of his help and company. He is truly the best friend I could ever ask for! We are all doing great, just a little sick of the snow and freezing cold weather that Rexburg has to offer;)

         I wanted to do a little spotlight on my girls because Kennedy recently turned 2 and I never did an update on her growth. I also haven't updated on Kensington! We took some family pics lately that I love and will always cherish! I will post those as soon as I get the disk!

            Kennedy is 25 months old and is just as energetic and outgoing as ever! This girl is and always has been strong willed and knows exactly what she wants and how to get it. She can light up a room with her smile and is just a joy to have around. She is speaking way more words than I can count and understands everything we say to her. She loves to dance and is always grabbing my hand to join in with her. She is a MAJOR daddy's girl. These 2 are constantly playing together and beating each other up..Kelin has taught her to play rough! Kennedy is incredibly polite and is constantly telling the doctor, walmart cashier, and mommy thank you! She just loves to say thank you to anyone who helps us out in anyway! Its just darling. Kennedy is a great sister and is constantly giving kisses and hugs to Kensi. I cant believe what a beautiful girl this baby has grown into. I am so proud of her and grateful to have her in my life! I cant wait to continue to see the girl and young woman that she grows into:)

                                 Kensinton is just over 6 weeks old and is still the best little baby! Kelin calls he little miss perfect because she literally sleeps most of the day and when she's not sleeping she is just looking around the room observing her surroundings! This little girl looks so much like her daddy it sometimes scares me lol! She is a major mommies girl and will only sleep at night if she is by my side. Is it bad that I love this so much and snuggling her just makes me so happy?! I love that she is a little cuddle bunny. She is getting so big and growing so fast already I am just trying to enjoy every second with her! I am so in love with this baby!! 

                                 These girls bring me so much joy and being a mommy to them is truly the best job I could have ever asked for! I love having girls and constantly being surrounded by a see of pink! Kelin totally loves it also;)! 

Life with 2 girls!

                       So it happened!! We finally had our sweet baby Kensington after 9 long months of waiting! She was born on November 15th via c section and weighed 7 pounds 9 ounces. I had a scheduled c section because I was having the same problem where I wasnt dialating again. It was scheduled the day after my due date. The night before I was scheduled to go in I was getting contraction every 10 minutes from 10 oclock at night until 4 in the morning. We were scheduled to go in at 5 in the morning so we just left at 4 because I was in so much pain. By 7:30  we had our beautiful baby girl! All of my nurses were great and took fantastic care of me! Kensi is the sweetest best little baby! She sleeps most of the day and rarely cries unless she is hungry. We are all soo in love with her! Kennedy is the best big sister and gives her kisses daily. My mom and sisters came up for a week in a half to help me and I soo appreciated it! We all even got to have Thanksgiving together:)! Life is so fun with two little girls:) and I feel like I have got the hang of it! My days are busy but full of so much love and fun! Being a mommy to these sweet hearts is the absolute best job in the world! I have the best babies!
                           Kelin will be starting his LAST semester in January! We are beyond excited..April 12th cant come soon enough..graduation! Kelin will be applying to jobs over the winter break and we are so anxious/excited to find out where we end up! We would love to end up somewhere warm like Arizona but we aren't picky! Our time spent in Rexburg has been so fun that its almost sad we are leaving after 3 years of being married in Rexburg! We have had soo many memories in our apartment and have a great ward and friends here! But we are also super excited for the next chapter of our life. Life truly is great and we are so blessed to have all we do!<3

How far along? 38 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 12 lbs 

Maternity clothes?  Jeggings, long shirts, and cardigans still!
Stretch marks? Nope.
Best moment this week: Doctors appt! 3 cm dialated..and all of the halloween festivities:) we are taking Kennedy trick or treating tonight!!

Miss Anything? Being comfortable! And also not being pregnant of course:)
Movement: Tons!
Food cravings: chocolate this week for sure
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope.
Have you started to show yet:  We could probably take this question out now! ha it will never be a no from this point on
Gender: Girl!
Labor Signs: Last night I was getting contractions 10 minutes apart that lasted 40 sec each. I packed my bag and then they stopped!
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: HAPPY and so very anxious.
Looking forward to: Having this baby! 

Full term! 37 weeks

How far along? 37 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 12 lbs 

Maternity clothes?  Jeggings, long shirts, and cardigans still!
Stretch marks? Nope.
Best moment this week: Doctors appt! I am dialated 2cm and 75% effaced! Woohoo:)

Miss Anything? Still being comfortable
Movement: Tons!
Food cravings: Nope just hungry constantly
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope.
Have you started to show yet:  We could probably take this question out now! ha it will never be a no from this point on
Gender: Girl!
Labor Signs: Tons and tons of pressure and braxton hicks
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: HAPPY and excited
Looking forward to: Having this baby!

36 weeks!

I am 36 weeks and 2 days woo hoo! We are almost already for baby girl. We have the bassinett, bottles, pacifiers, bumbo, and her bag all packed. We just need to get a few last minute little things this (like diapers) and we are set! Everything is starting to feel more real to me now that we are getting closer but it still all sort of feels like a dream.

How far along? 36 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 11 lbs 

Maternity clothes?  Jeggings, long shirts, and cardigans still!
Stretch marks? Nope.
Best moment this week: Doctors appt! I love hearing her healthy little heart beat!

Miss Anything? Being comfortable! Also not getting painful braxton hicks every night!
Movement: Tons!
Food cravings: Not this week. I have been starving pretty much all of the time tho ha
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope.
Have you started to show yet:  Oh heavens yes
Gender: Girl!
Labor Signs: Tons and tons of pressure and braxton hicks
Belly Button in or out? In
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: happy, anxious, and excited all at once!
Looking forward to: Next weeks appt! We will see if I am dialated!

Me and my girl! Cant believe we are about to have two little princesses in our family:)